Change, chaos, folly, and faith

You do not need to know me very well or to have known me for very long to know that the last year of my life has been a wild ride. From North Carolina, to hopping around Europe, to trips to Baltimore, DC, and Chicago, to Michigan, to Chile, Peru, and Argentina, and then back to North Carolina--it’s been a whirlwind of constant adventure, mishaps, celebrations, heartaches, and life-lessons. This past month has been no exception. Unexpectedly being with my grandmothers as she died, returning home, and then deciding last-minute to move to Chicago, I have once again found myself facing mishaps, celebrations, heartaches and life-lessons. Sound confusing and chaotic? Although my life often appears instable, topsy-turvy, maybe even out of control, I have never felt steadier. I am held.

The biggest things God has been revealing to me in this beautiful confusion are his goodness and provision. Facing confusion and questions of where to be, what to do, and how to move forward, I have admittedly fallen into moments of panic, my mind bursting with unknowns and what ifs. Despite this, God has blown me away with the flawless finish he provides every time. Example: I felt a desire in my heart to return to Chicago and establish a life there for a while, but didn’t know if I should go and simply did not have the means to do so. I prayed about needing a place to live and a better-paying job. Without so much as asking, God provided both through one family. Amazing! Example: Leaving my NC job, I was incredibly nervous and felt terrible talking to my boss. Despite my unease, I prayed to get through the conversation and finish off OK. My boss not only met my situation with incredible kindness and understanding, but even went out of his way to request and then obtain special permission (which apparently never happens) for me to get transferred, meaning I can get health insurance. Once again, I got more than I needed without even asking. Once again, all of my worry and “what if” thinking proved utterly nonsensical.

Why is it that even though God has proven to me time and time again that he (not my worried mind) is sovereign above all, I fall into moments of panic and get caught up in the lurking “what if’’? I honestly have overwhelming evidence that God comes through with better provision than I can come up with for myself. Why, then, do I so easily doubt? What am I waiting for him to prove?

I think I am at conflict. On one hand, I feel like I am holding on to some sort of “secret power”—God’s hand holding me up wherever I go, whatever I do. In this, I am entirely secure. On the other hand, I hear the voices of the world telling that I’ve just “lucked out,” that I’m probably on a slippery slope, and that I am going to have to take control sooner or later…surely God won’t come through every time. In this, panic sets in.

Admittedly, this inner conflict I experience often makes me feel like I must be a little crazy. Looking at the Word, I am strangely proved otherwise. Consider these two verses I’ve come across recently:

You set me up with a house and a yard. And then you made me your heir. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken…My body will also rest secure. Psalm 16:6, 8-9

Do not deceive yourselves. If any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a “fool” so that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. 1 Corinthians 3:18-19

Maybe when I fall into doubt, and when I fear the “what ifs” in my life, I am just deceiving myself in the same way this verse describes. Maybe God needs to me be a fool to the world so that he can build me up and give me stability in his wisdom rich provision. I’m willing to throw all that I have in for such a hope.

So call me crazy, unruly, instable, dangerous. A fool’s who I want to be, for I’m convinced that it is in such folly that God “is at my right hand” and will see me through utterly unshaken.

All She Knew was that She Loved Them...

I created this blog with the hope to write once a week. I got off to a strong start but have now been away from the project for a little while. The biggest reason for this relates to today's topic: my grandmother's death.

My time watching my grandmother die and then preparing for and participating in her funeral was incredibly challenging, but equally beautiful. In those final days as my grandma laid squeezing my hand and faintly humming to my singing, I was reminded of all the ways in which she led a beautiful life. At the funeral service, the priest made a statement that really captures it all. He said that even though her dementia caused her to not recognize or remember most people, my grandma didn't need to know who they were because she knew that she loved them. That's really all that mattered.

How many people do you know who by their nature simply know that they love all people regardless or personal qualities or the existence of a developed relationship? How many people do you know who will just smile at a stranger or go out of their way to help a passerby in need without even realizing it? That is how my grandmother lived. That is a life of love.

It seems to me that we live in a world where we have to earn the trust and acceptance of others and are equally cautious in giving it out ourselves. It seems that most people would find it outlandish for you to say definitely that you love someone without really knowing a thing about them or having any relationship to them. We even sometimes feel invaded or even threatened if an unfamiliar face shows us unordinary warmth. We think that surely either there must be something wrong with that person, or he/she has an ulterior motive.

Jesus walked around town befriending prostitutes and criminals, and recruiting murderers for his core team. What in the world must people have thought of him? What would you have thought?

If we boldly proclaim (as many Christians do) that we want more than anything to follow his ways and be his hands and feet, why do we often reserve our love and service for a small group? Why do we get apprehensive about associating ourselves with the "less acceptable" of society? Do we think that not everyone is deserving, or perhaps fear the rejection of those around us? Maybe our love has limits after all.

In some ways my grandmother's dementia revealed her true nature. How beautiful is it to think that her natural instinct was to actively love. Her love had no exceptions or limits. Her love was like Jesus'. Regardless of her ability to recognize me in the final days, my grandmother never stopped loving me. This made me realize that even though I don't have dementia, I shouldn't need to know someone or about some "qualifying factor" for me to love them. I want to live love the way she did. No limits. No hesitation. No questions. All I need to know is that I love, and that's more than enough.