Without a threat in sight

Today I found myself reading a scene very familiar to me. Jesus stands before Pilate as he receives his death sentence. Although he has committed no crime, he attempts no defense. He makes no effort at all to save himself. In fact, he doesn’t even show signs of desperation or pending doom. I don’t know about you, but to me this is pretty remarkable, if not crazy. Apparently Pilate was right there with me because he incredulously asks Jesus if he is going to say anything, and reminds him that he is “determining Jesus’ fate” at that very moment. Here Jesus speaks with words more bewildering than his initial silence. He says, “You would have no power over me if it were not given to you from above.”

Wow.

Like Pilate, both Jesus’ silence and words throw me through a loop. By all earthly logic, Jesus has absolutely no reason to proceed to his capital punishment in total confidence, assuredness, and security. By all logic, the man is finished. His response simply does not make sense. Where in the world did it come from?
Perhaps the answer is as simple as saying that Jesus has his mind and eyes set on something higher. Maybe he maintains such composure and sturdiness in the midst of his circumstances because the fate of his life and purpose are rooted in something beyond the physical world that we live in. This theory makes a lot of sense considering another puzzling statement Jesus makes in the garden when the guards come for his arrest. He says, “My kingdom doesn’t consist of what you see around you. If it did, my followers would fight so that I wouldn’t be handed over to the Jews. But I’m not that kind of a king, not the world’s kind of king.” Jesus sees no need for physical retaliation to physical threat because the situation in no way threatens the throne he claims, which is in the spiritual realm. His mission, identity, and reign go so incredibly beyond what we can see. Thank God that he knew that.

Although it’s sometimes difficult for me to understand Jesus’ actions, I am OK with accepting that they reflect his belonging to a heavenly realm. After all, he is God. But what happens if take all of the thoughts I’ve just expressed and apply them to Jesus’ declaration that “[You are] not of the world any more than I am of the world”? What am I supposed to do with that?!

If I am not of this world any more than Jesus, shouldn’t my response to circumstances and threats be like his? Doesn’t it mean that I should be living in a reality which is greater than that of the physical world? Shouldn’t I stand with the same assuredness as Jesus regardless of my life circumstances? How is it that I can feel so threatened? I pray for my eyes, heart, and mind to open up to a greater reality. I want to set my sight on something so much greater than the here and now.

Finishing the story of Jesus’ crucifixion I read of Pilate insisting on writing Jesus a plaque which named him King of the Jews. His guards stand stunned, if not angered, but Pilate insists. Something happened between the time of Pilate’s interrogation of Jesus and Jesus’ death. Could it be that Pilate, like me, came to the conclusion that the only logical explanation for Jesus’ behavior is that he was actually who he said he was? I think so.

I am so thankful for what I read today, because for the first time I realized how important Pilate is. Not only does he strengthen my belief in Jesus as Christ, but he also dares me to consider my own life. What if I, like Jesus, can live in such a way which points to something greater? What if God really can open my eyes, heart, and mind to the reality of the kingdom I really belong to? Maybe then I, too, would maintain this composure and security shown by Jesus. Maybe in that, I would get a taste of real glory because it glorifies the kingdom of the One deserving of glory. Could it be?

The beauty of being available

The title of this entry explains well the reason why I have not written in such a long time. Simply stated, I have not been available. I'm sure you've all been there: the tasks pile up, the schedules fill, and life passes by a mile a minute. Some call it efficient. I call it frenetic. I think that it's easy to get swept up in this fast paced world to the point where we're literally running to get to one place to the next. That's what I've been struggling with lately, but it's also what's about to end.

Lately God's been telling me loud and clear that I need to slow down and that I need to be available. One experience in particular has really impressed this upon my heart. Allow me to tell you about Evan*.

A couple of weeks ago I got a call from a friend who was having a rough time and really wanted me to meet up with her and a friend downtown. To tell you the truth, I was less than willing. I was drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually. All I wanted to do was crawl up in my bed, but I could tell that my friend was in need. Deciding to push my exhaustion aside, I hopped in a cab and met up with my friends. Shortly after my arrival, we decided to leave to grab a bite to eat. Walking down the street we passed a young man who was panhandling when something inside of me snapped. I turned to my friends, looked them square in the eye and said, "Stop. We're going to feed this kid."

Turning back to the young man, I looked in his eyes, asked if he was hungry, and invited him along to the restaurant. Here's where we formed a relationship with Evan. Spending a good hour or so over the course of a meal, we heard Evan's story. He is twenty years old, from the suburbs, and has been on the streets with his sister ever since his mom died and the duo fled from their abusive alcoholic father. Evan spends his day begging in attempts to get enough change to pay for a cheap motel for the night and provide for his sister. Some days they make it. Others they sleep on Lower Wacker Drive. Evan expressed wanting more than anything to work and have a real life, but honestly he looked too dirty to get a job.

Getting to know Evan, my friends and I didn't want to leave him just as hopeless as we had met him. The very least we could do was offer him our friendship and enough money for a room for the night. My girlfriend even promised to get him new clothes. We gave him a phone number, as well as the address of our church, where we meet every Sunday afternoon to hang out before service. Saying our good-byes, all we could do was pray that we'd see him again.

God's hand starting becoming evident the next day when my friend found himself (truly without realizing what he was doing) wandering along the river after his meeting was randomly cancelled. Who did he bump into but Evan. A few days later, this same friend walked by the train just at the moment when Evan was walking down. On Sunday, my friend got an inkling to hop in his car and look for Evan. Seconds later, he pulled up beside our new friend. Let me pause and just say that Chicago is a VERY big city. Too big for these encounters to be counted as coincidence.

As the two guys headed northbound I got a call: "Amy. I am in the car with EVAN! Do you have any food you could give him?" As it turns out, I had closed at Starbucks the night before, which I rarely do, and couldn't bring myself to throw out all of the day's left-over food. That night, I searched for homeless people to feed and found none. The next morning I searched again and found none. Here I was frustrated at not finding homeless to feed when my friend called and asked if I happened to have any food I could give Evan. Amazing.

The guys pulled up at my house and I had more clothes and food than I knew what to do with. Evan was overwhelmed. We ended up having a great afternoon together and made plans to meet again.

Since that time, we have "bumped" into Evan a few more times, fixed him up with a cell phone, and are working on getting him a job. We don't really know what to do or what's going to happen, but God's hand in the process is undeniable.

In one young man's life, God has opened my eyes to the power of being available. Evan now has far more than clean clothes to wear and a phone to call with. He has hope and friends he can call on. And the beauty is that all I did was be available. God spoke and I was available to hear.

I shudder thinking at the amount of times God has probably been speaking and I've just been to rushed, too busy, too laser-focused on my schedule to hear. How much glory have I missed out on? It is amazing what God can and will do through us if we make ourselves available to him. Maybe this is what Jesus meant when he rebuked his disciples saying, "Do you not say, 'Four months more and then the harvest'? I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest." I'm pretty sure that I often don't reap the harvest because my eyes are not open.

I challenge you to think about your life and how available you are. Is there room to really see the world around you, or do you, like me, often rush through life and see it all as a blur? With availability and clear vision, the possibilities for God's power to work through your life are truly unlimited. Dare to believe it and open your eyes to see it!

Fruits of Freedom and Rocky Soil

One thing I have become absolutely obsessed with is freedom. I'm not speaking of my constitutional rights or even the fact that I could truly choose to do whatever I want and go wherever I want right now. I am speaking of liberation--the absolute freedom to simply be and have joy and peace through living in the truth of God's sovereignty and work in my life. For those of you who have known me for a while, you have probably noticed that where I was once diseased with worry and stress, I now tend to live peacefully moment to moment. That where I once felt enslaved to being the best or climbing my way to the top, I am now secure in who am regardless of what my status is. That where I once suffered from chronic illness, I now enjoy pretty much perfect health. I could seriously go on and on. This is the beautiful kind of freedom I am speaking of.

Perhaps the kind of freedom I now live for and by is best described through its fruits: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, [against which]there is no law." (Gal. 5:22) It is an incredible lightness. This is the full life and bountiful harvest the bible talks about Jesus coming to bring. How indescribably beautiful!

Beautiful indeed, yet I woke up recently feeling none of those things described above. Rather than feeling light, at peace, and full of joy, I felt dark, frenzied, and swept away by the pace and the ways of the world around me. If I know the fruits of freedom as truth in my life and am free of rules, regulations, and the standards of man, how could this sinking, dark feeling overcome me?

Well God woke me up (literally) with some answers. In Mark 4, Jesus tells his disciples that God has some pretty powerful seed and we are the soil in which it grows. Like any farming/gardening goes, regardless of the quality of seed, the quality of the soil will largely determine the quality of the crop. Although I had read this parable time and again, it stopped me in my tracks. Maybe I was overcome with heaviness and distress not because God didn't have/want to share the harvest with me, but because I wasn't caring well enough for the soil. I am convinced that while we are free of law (in the sense of condemnation), it is still crucial to us because it can act as a care manual for the soil that is our lives. That what we fill our minds and bodies with, what we say, and what we do can have a huge influence on the kind of soil we grow God's seed in.

As simple as this idea is, it hit me in a big way. I realized that when it comes to God, it's not about right and wrong, do's and don'ts, or guilt and obligation. It's about the pure and beautiful reality that God has already given us the seed that can produce a harvest of our lives more fulfilling than we could imagine, but we have to do our part. No good soil. No good crop. In Christ we already have everything we will ever need for life to the full. May you keep good soil for the full life to grow bountifully in your life!

Independence Day Blog II: We Need People. Period.

Ok so even though we are nearly two weeks past Independence Day at this point, I felt that I needed a part II to my entry because there is one more issue with American independence that I want to touch on. This time I'm talking not so much about our relationship with (and dependence on) God, but our relationships with other people. Allow me to expand...

Last time I touched upon the fact that in our culture, sometimes the "ideal" form of independence resembles total self-sufficiency and power. Just as this causes us to strive to have no need for God, it also makes us feel that to rely on others reflects some sort of unacceptable weakness or personal lacking. I think that when we live in this shame of relying upon others, we miss the whole point. The bible (and the human experience) makes it clear that on our own we are broken, weak, sinful people. We simply can't do it all on our own. We weren't made to be super-human. So why do we kill ourselves trying to become something that we were never designed to be? Why do we, on our own, have to have it all together or all figured out?

I'm going to throw something out there that may seem absolutely crazy to some of you. Maybe our weakness on our own is actually one of the greatest gifts we have if we choose to accept and embrace it. You see, I think that life can be incredibly rewarding and meaningful if we can find the transparency and vulnerability to truly share our lives and limitations with others. Once we are willing to admit that everyone struggles with limitations, all shame disappears and we can discover how to support one another. Community forms.

I am increasingly consumed by this idea of community. I firmly believe that it is a critical part of our design as humans. To truly share and live our lives alongside one another. In fact, I find it telling to consider the fact that the bible refers to the church not as a religion, institution, or building, but as the body of one family. How much more intimate and relational could we get?

As one body, in order to truly function, every part (person) needs to work consistently in collaboration. If you were a finger, how could you plan on fully functioning without a hand to attach yourself to? As absurd of an idea as this seems, is it not what we do? Instead of trying to just be a finger, for instance, and attach ourselves appropriately to the hand, we hop around desperately trying to be the finger, hand, arm, and often the whole rest of the body. The result is total exhaustion, unfulfilled living, and an ever-present sense of personal failure. Something tells me that God wouldn't be too pleased by this kind of a life either. But the good news is that He (and we) finds the most delight in our lives when we as fingers simply let ourselves be fingers.

In embracing our weaknesses along with our strengths we can find our place in the body and work together in an incredibly beautiful way. Consider these parallels to the physical human body: Just as a finger cannot lift without a muscle, a dreamer often needs a doer by his/her side to turn vision into action. Just as a brain sends signals to alert us when something is wrong, wise discerning people in the spiritual body alert you to red flags in your life that you may not see on your own. Just as our physical bone structure helps keep us in tact and from falling down, the community body holds us up, keeps us on track, and reminds us that there is hope and support in all situations. Most of all, just as the physical body moves and works in an incredibly intricate and miraculous way when healthy, the spiritual body, when fully connected and functioning, moves in the world with love in ways more powerful than we could imagine.

So whether you are a finger, a muscle, a brain or a bone, I encourage you to simply embrace it and quit trying to do it all. Relationships are not just a privilege. They are crucial to living as God created us...to "have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

Independence Day Part I: What if American Independence and "In God We Trust" Collided?

If you know anything about me, my family, or summer in Bay View, you know that the 4th of July is a pretty big deal...a VERY big deal. We love the tradition and everything about it: the red, white, and blue, the parades, the ice cream, the grill-out, the fireworks, Aunt Nancy's American flag rice krispy treats and "FIre on the Mountain" salsa dip, even the American history trivia contest my mom creates each year. So as I was gearing up to see my family over this oh-so-important holiday weekend, I found myself reflecting on Independence Day, where it came from, and what it means. What does it mean to celebrate independence as Americans?

In theory, American independence is an incredibly beautiful thing. It revolutionized government and began true democracy in the world. Our independence resulted in a nation founded on the promise of political autonomy, democracy, and personal freedoms. For all of these reasons I love my country and feel incredibly blessed to be an American.

Despite the beautiful basis and true meaning of American independence, I can't help but feel that the masses of Americans have expanded and thwarted it. To many, independence and the American Dream have become doing what you need to do in order to get on the path you need to get on in order to secure your own future without a need for anyone else. Surely, then, you will have achieved complete Independence. True independence. Right?

It is certainly easy to think this way. In fact, it is exactly what I dreamt of for a long time myself. However, there is a problem that surfaces in this vision of independence: this "complete" independence leaves no space for "In God we Trust." Surely it cannot be what our founders had in mind. You see, in seeking such an independence, we ultimately seek to have no need to trust in God. To have enough money so that we won't need to draw on God's divine provision. To be so competent and powerful in our own right that we don't need God to hold us up and give us strength. To be so full of knowledge that we'll already find the answers without having to wait on God's wisdom. The list goes on. In the end, we thwart independence and the American Dream to the point where what we actually desire is not to live in the Promise Land, but to create and command our own.

As a Christian, if American independence turns into living for the coming of your own kingdom, what meaning is there behind "Your Kingdom Come. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven"? In heaven we will live in perfect harmony with God. His strength will be our strength. His vision our vision. His ways our ways. So if we pray for the coming of His kingdom here on earth, shouldn't we strive towards less and less of self instead of the more and more of the forcing of personal will that our current-day brand of independence calls for?

I propose a challenge for you this Independence Day. Take and celebrate all of the privileges this nation provides and then put them into God's hands. Give Him the space to work within them according to His will instead of abusing them in order to force your own. I challenge you to seek for your American independence to collide with "In God we Trust." It excites me to think about what this nation might look like. Maybe a little like His Kingdom come, His will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Surely then we will truly shine America the Beautiful.

Two Hearts

Hi all. This is a different kind of post. It's actually a poem I wrote while in Chile about the father heart of God. Thought I would put it out there for Father's day...

Two Hearts

Two hearts living in rhythm. One beat. One heart.

Perfect love, inconceivable trust

Warmth, unity, joy, peace

Two hearts se p a r a t i n g, a dark smoke creeping in

Lies, hatred, hurt, despair

Pride, blame, wounds build

One heart struggling to beat at all

unloved, without hope, self-destructing, orphaned

numbed to the pain, blinded to the light

One heart beating passionately. dying to be heard

I love. I heal. I give. I break.

Let me hold you and reveal your extravagant inheritance

One heart broken. the flatline is near.

I can't feel. I can't think. I can't love. I can't live.

Why can't I keep everything (myself) from falling apart?

One heart broken. A child has been lost.

You are beautiful. I love you. I will never fade or fail.

Why not let me peel away the chains that suffocate?

LIES

replaced with

TRUTH

WOUNDS

healed with

LOVE

Pride fallen. Callouses smoothed.

BITTERNESS

turned into

SWEET-TASTING MERCY

revolutionary restoration comes in and life begins.

Two hearts living in rhythm. One beat. One heart.

Perfect love, inconceivable trust

warmth. unity. joy. peace.

Wow! You're SO lucky!

Over the last few years I have lived a less than ordinary life. I have spent a lot of time seeing the world, studying/living in different countries, making extremely diverse friendships and connections, and finding myself facing incredible opportunities. If I had a dime for every time I heard, "Wow! You're SO lucky!" I'd be a whole lot richer than my bank account currently shows.

Although the typical response to my life seems reasonable enough, I am more and more convinced that luck has nothing to do with it. In fact, reflecting on my life and who I am, it seems to me that anyone could experience life the way I do. Think about it: on paper I am nothing extraordinary. I have no sustainable career/income, no life savings, and no great title or position to my name. I could very easily convince myself that I am entirely ordinary. Unexceptional. A nobody. It is just a matter of choice.

How is it, then, that a little "nobody" like me could be considered so exceptionally "lucky"? What is the choice that leads me there?

The more I reflect, the more I see a pattern surface. God opens doors in my life--in all of our lives--and I/we can choose whether or not to walk through them with steps of faith. I think that sometimes it is easy to look from afar and say, "Well that could never work for me" or "If only I could do that," but the truth is that we all have the option of saying "yes" when out of the ordinary experiences/opportunities are placed before us.

One step through the door, God sweeps you off your feet and places you on a path far more glorious than anything you could plan out for yourself because it does not come from you. His ways, plans, and vision of possibility are so much greater than what we could ever see or imagine. It just takes that initial step of faith (which is admittedly scary and feels so uncertain), and then the multiplication of blessings and opportunities begins. I say multiplication because I have found that the more often I take a step of faith into an unknown realm in my life, God continues me moving forward revealing each step of the way his blessing and glory which otherwise would go undetected by my mortal eyes.

This theory makes a lot of sense looking at how God has worked in history. Joseph went from a state of abandonment and slavery to finding favor and then ruling with Egypt's pharaoh. Nehemiah found himself in the privileged position of cup-bearer to the Persian king (Israel's enemy), through which God led him to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem and bring people back to Him. Daniel found favor with the king of Babylon and was protected and promoted in spite of his "unacceptable" and dangerous faith. Notice a pattern? These heroes all went from a lowly, hopeless place according to what the human eye can see to finding favor with people in high places, through which God worked wonders for his glory. Why should it be any different for us?

So I am left pondering what it really means to win favor with God and men when faith, not sight determines the steps I take. I ponder what the world would look like if we truly believed that God wants to and can use ordinary men to do extraordinary things. Dare I consider that all of my "luck" is actually part of such a design?

I choose yes. But I also dare to believe that I am not alone in this process. I dare to believe that there's a whole world and life of blessing and riches waiting for us all. All it takes is a choice and a step of faith, which is in its definition "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1).