With Nothing to Hold On To

I’ve decided that grad-school is not a good enough excuse for my blogging hiatus—God is saying and doing too many things not to share. I hope you’ll be blessed.

Once again, my life stands at a crossroads in many ways. At this point, I truly don’t have anything to hold on to: no family of my own, no career, no home, no fixed community, etc. I find myself without any of the securities which normally mark maturity, success, or stability. By all worldly logic, I need to “get my act together” and “figure things out”—I am lost. I admit, I struggle with these thoughts on a daily basis. Here I am nearly 25 years old, and still all of the big question marks remain. It’s high time I grew up, right?

Regardless of this very logical conclusion I have come to, God tells me something very different on a daily basis. Something which at times terrifies me and at others floods me with comfort and excitement. It can all be summed up in one verse: “You are for my glory…that you may know Me, believe Me, remain steadfast in Me, and understand that I am He.” (Isaiah 43:10)

When I live frantic about finding my “home,” career, family, community, etc. I deny God’s and my own identity. In seeking to “secure” these things, I am not living as one made for God’s glory, but as one seeking to build up her own kingdom.

So what do I do? Surely I cannot deny that we all need homes, jobs, and families. Where does this fact fit into living as one created for God’s glory? In the verse above, God says that all I need to do is remain steadfast in Him and understand that He is who he says he is—Almighty God, merciful provider, loving Father, King of kings, Sovereign of the world—He works out my life because it’s actually not about me. I am not the sovereign, glorious One no matter how often I live otherwise.

Seeking God’s face, maybe I can start to understand that “it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose” (Phil. 2: 11) Simply stated, I leave all of my question marks to him to determine. I surrender.

That great, but you still don’t have a job, family, or home, you say. In His time, in His way, by His grace. Because what God seems to be shouting at me at this point is, “Don’t you see? You’re in the best place you can be—make the most of it! Right now you have nothing to hold on to but Me. As I lead you and fill in the gaps in your life, continue to live that way…ALWAYS, for I am your stronghold. I am your dwelling place.”

So here I am, praying for open doors and learning how sweet of a dwelling place and glorious position I already have—one that far outweighs any place, career, or person God will ever lead me to. According to King David’s advise, I am not going to freak out or try to build the walls of my own kingdom, but “hold onto God for dear life” trusting that “He’ll give me the best care if I’ll only know and trust Him” (Ps. 91:14). And crazy as it may sounds, I hope to always and forever live that way.