Beautiful confusion. What a concept. You are probably wondering what the heck I mean by it or why it somehow is going to define what I write here. For me the answer is simple. That is life. My life. And I’m discovering more and more about it each day.

I have been feeling especially confused lately. You could best describe this period in my life as awkward. I have suddenly gone from a situation of constant activity, living and working with people who are passionate about the same things I am and are at the same point in life, to finding myself at my parents’ house. Period. My lifestyle is in crisis. To make the situation more awkward, I am trying to somehow figure out a “10 month life” for myself as I plan on attending grad school in March. Two steps off the plane and I was hit with the confusion about where to go, what to do, where home was. As much as this time can be painful and scary, I love it because there is absolutely no chance I can deny the fact that my life is confusing. In that, I have learned a lot.

It might sound strange to you that I say that I love the fact of such uncertainty and confusion in my life. I love it because I truly know that there is nothing I can do or plan to “figure it out.” You see, I think we often live our lives making plans, building our security and fall-backs, and “figuring it out.” As someone who has natural capabilities to get by pretty well, it’s easy for me to think that I actually do have control. In times like these, I realize that I actually can’t “figure it out.” Not now. Not in the past. Not ever. Sound depressing? I’m OVERJOYED!

In realization of my weakness, I have discovered God’s power and provision. I have discovered that God not only accepts that I haven’t figured out my life, but actually prefers that I don’t try. I know that this is SO hard to believe in a culture and world that tells us that we need to forge our own futures and write our paths. God tells us that HE is our future and that if we remain in him he takes on the burden of paving our paths one step at a time in harmony with his perfect will. The pressure is off. The burden is lifted. We can live in peace and find real rest.
I’ll leave you with something I read in Ecclesiastes today that really speaks to this:

Since no man knows the future, who can tell him what is to come? No man has power over the wind to contain it; so no one has power over the day of his death. Ecclesiastes 8:7-8
So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life god has given him under the sun. Ecclesiastes 8:15

We don’t, won’t, and can’t know our futures…stop wearing yourself out trying to figure it out! Instead, find rest that God does know and is sovereign over all. Instead, enjoy what He puts in front of you everyday and cling to His promise to give you life to the fullest. God is good. Life is sweet. Confusion is beautiful.