Two Hearts

Hi all. This is a different kind of post. It's actually a poem I wrote while in Chile about the father heart of God. Thought I would put it out there for Father's day...

Two Hearts

Two hearts living in rhythm. One beat. One heart.

Perfect love, inconceivable trust

Warmth, unity, joy, peace

Two hearts se p a r a t i n g, a dark smoke creeping in

Lies, hatred, hurt, despair

Pride, blame, wounds build

One heart struggling to beat at all

unloved, without hope, self-destructing, orphaned

numbed to the pain, blinded to the light

One heart beating passionately. dying to be heard

I love. I heal. I give. I break.

Let me hold you and reveal your extravagant inheritance

One heart broken. the flatline is near.

I can't feel. I can't think. I can't love. I can't live.

Why can't I keep everything (myself) from falling apart?

One heart broken. A child has been lost.

You are beautiful. I love you. I will never fade or fail.

Why not let me peel away the chains that suffocate?

LIES

replaced with

TRUTH

WOUNDS

healed with

LOVE

Pride fallen. Callouses smoothed.

BITTERNESS

turned into

SWEET-TASTING MERCY

revolutionary restoration comes in and life begins.

Two hearts living in rhythm. One beat. One heart.

Perfect love, inconceivable trust

warmth. unity. joy. peace.

Wow! You're SO lucky!

Over the last few years I have lived a less than ordinary life. I have spent a lot of time seeing the world, studying/living in different countries, making extremely diverse friendships and connections, and finding myself facing incredible opportunities. If I had a dime for every time I heard, "Wow! You're SO lucky!" I'd be a whole lot richer than my bank account currently shows.

Although the typical response to my life seems reasonable enough, I am more and more convinced that luck has nothing to do with it. In fact, reflecting on my life and who I am, it seems to me that anyone could experience life the way I do. Think about it: on paper I am nothing extraordinary. I have no sustainable career/income, no life savings, and no great title or position to my name. I could very easily convince myself that I am entirely ordinary. Unexceptional. A nobody. It is just a matter of choice.

How is it, then, that a little "nobody" like me could be considered so exceptionally "lucky"? What is the choice that leads me there?

The more I reflect, the more I see a pattern surface. God opens doors in my life--in all of our lives--and I/we can choose whether or not to walk through them with steps of faith. I think that sometimes it is easy to look from afar and say, "Well that could never work for me" or "If only I could do that," but the truth is that we all have the option of saying "yes" when out of the ordinary experiences/opportunities are placed before us.

One step through the door, God sweeps you off your feet and places you on a path far more glorious than anything you could plan out for yourself because it does not come from you. His ways, plans, and vision of possibility are so much greater than what we could ever see or imagine. It just takes that initial step of faith (which is admittedly scary and feels so uncertain), and then the multiplication of blessings and opportunities begins. I say multiplication because I have found that the more often I take a step of faith into an unknown realm in my life, God continues me moving forward revealing each step of the way his blessing and glory which otherwise would go undetected by my mortal eyes.

This theory makes a lot of sense looking at how God has worked in history. Joseph went from a state of abandonment and slavery to finding favor and then ruling with Egypt's pharaoh. Nehemiah found himself in the privileged position of cup-bearer to the Persian king (Israel's enemy), through which God led him to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem and bring people back to Him. Daniel found favor with the king of Babylon and was protected and promoted in spite of his "unacceptable" and dangerous faith. Notice a pattern? These heroes all went from a lowly, hopeless place according to what the human eye can see to finding favor with people in high places, through which God worked wonders for his glory. Why should it be any different for us?

So I am left pondering what it really means to win favor with God and men when faith, not sight determines the steps I take. I ponder what the world would look like if we truly believed that God wants to and can use ordinary men to do extraordinary things. Dare I consider that all of my "luck" is actually part of such a design?

I choose yes. But I also dare to believe that I am not alone in this process. I dare to believe that there's a whole world and life of blessing and riches waiting for us all. All it takes is a choice and a step of faith, which is in its definition "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1).

To what end?

As much as I have loved my first few days in Chicago, I have found myself facing an interesting paradox. You see, my primary reason for the move revolved around making money to fund my grad school education. So I had contacted all my contacts, sought out all the part-time opportunities I could think of, and set myself up to “make the most” out of my time here. The more the better, right? So I landed in the Great Plains thrilled with the amount of work (and therefore money) I had ahead of me. Certainly my time would be a huge success.

Confronting my new reality has caused me to go into some soul-searching. Although I had a schedule brimming with hours “on the clock,” I felt a real emptiness and darkness about it all. As I delved into this discontent, I started to ask myself “to what end?” To what end did all of this work and money really amount to? What was I striving for? Here’s where my paradox comes in: although I moved in order to make money, it has become clear that money cannot be the end that I seek.

I discussed situation with a wise, honest, friend who pointed me in the direction of Isaiah 55. Suddenly I didn’t feel so crazy about my dissatisfaction. Suddenly my “end” became crystal clear. In the passage, God basically gives four clear commands to those seeking for an “end.” He says, “Come. Hear. Seek. See.” Come in your poverty and eat what is good. “Why spend money on what is not bread and your labor on what does not satisfy.” Listen and hear and “your soul will delight in the richest fare.” See that he has “endowed you with splendor.” Seek the Lord while he is here because his thoughts are higher than your thoughts, his ways higher than your ways. What is the end in all of this? “You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace…Instead of the thornbrush will grow the pine tree; instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lord’s renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed.”

Two things stand out to me as I apply Isaiah 55 to my own life:

1. Although the passage does not exactly pertain to money, there is a more than ironic emphasis on riches. Yes, money is important to me right now because I cannot escape the fact of having to pay for grad school. BUT, no amount of money I earn will ever lead to true wealth. My labor simply will not satisfy with monetary wealth as an end.
2. The alternative end suggested is unique in that it is eternal. It is more than being able to pay a tuition check or by my flight across the Atlantic. It is eternal joy, peace, and abundance of life.

Perhaps I felt empty looking at all of my work because I knew deep down that what I really needed was something eternal. The bills must get paid. The forethought must be considered. But ultimately my first priority must always remain “Come. Hear. Seek. See.” And in that God will unfailingly work out the details in ways higher than I could imagine and endows to me “with splendor” an abundance that money could never buy.

Change, chaos, folly, and faith

You do not need to know me very well or to have known me for very long to know that the last year of my life has been a wild ride. From North Carolina, to hopping around Europe, to trips to Baltimore, DC, and Chicago, to Michigan, to Chile, Peru, and Argentina, and then back to North Carolina--it’s been a whirlwind of constant adventure, mishaps, celebrations, heartaches, and life-lessons. This past month has been no exception. Unexpectedly being with my grandmothers as she died, returning home, and then deciding last-minute to move to Chicago, I have once again found myself facing mishaps, celebrations, heartaches and life-lessons. Sound confusing and chaotic? Although my life often appears instable, topsy-turvy, maybe even out of control, I have never felt steadier. I am held.

The biggest things God has been revealing to me in this beautiful confusion are his goodness and provision. Facing confusion and questions of where to be, what to do, and how to move forward, I have admittedly fallen into moments of panic, my mind bursting with unknowns and what ifs. Despite this, God has blown me away with the flawless finish he provides every time. Example: I felt a desire in my heart to return to Chicago and establish a life there for a while, but didn’t know if I should go and simply did not have the means to do so. I prayed about needing a place to live and a better-paying job. Without so much as asking, God provided both through one family. Amazing! Example: Leaving my NC job, I was incredibly nervous and felt terrible talking to my boss. Despite my unease, I prayed to get through the conversation and finish off OK. My boss not only met my situation with incredible kindness and understanding, but even went out of his way to request and then obtain special permission (which apparently never happens) for me to get transferred, meaning I can get health insurance. Once again, I got more than I needed without even asking. Once again, all of my worry and “what if” thinking proved utterly nonsensical.

Why is it that even though God has proven to me time and time again that he (not my worried mind) is sovereign above all, I fall into moments of panic and get caught up in the lurking “what if’’? I honestly have overwhelming evidence that God comes through with better provision than I can come up with for myself. Why, then, do I so easily doubt? What am I waiting for him to prove?

I think I am at conflict. On one hand, I feel like I am holding on to some sort of “secret power”—God’s hand holding me up wherever I go, whatever I do. In this, I am entirely secure. On the other hand, I hear the voices of the world telling that I’ve just “lucked out,” that I’m probably on a slippery slope, and that I am going to have to take control sooner or later…surely God won’t come through every time. In this, panic sets in.

Admittedly, this inner conflict I experience often makes me feel like I must be a little crazy. Looking at the Word, I am strangely proved otherwise. Consider these two verses I’ve come across recently:

You set me up with a house and a yard. And then you made me your heir. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken…My body will also rest secure. Psalm 16:6, 8-9

Do not deceive yourselves. If any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a “fool” so that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. 1 Corinthians 3:18-19

Maybe when I fall into doubt, and when I fear the “what ifs” in my life, I am just deceiving myself in the same way this verse describes. Maybe God needs to me be a fool to the world so that he can build me up and give me stability in his wisdom rich provision. I’m willing to throw all that I have in for such a hope.

So call me crazy, unruly, instable, dangerous. A fool’s who I want to be, for I’m convinced that it is in such folly that God “is at my right hand” and will see me through utterly unshaken.

All She Knew was that She Loved Them...

I created this blog with the hope to write once a week. I got off to a strong start but have now been away from the project for a little while. The biggest reason for this relates to today's topic: my grandmother's death.

My time watching my grandmother die and then preparing for and participating in her funeral was incredibly challenging, but equally beautiful. In those final days as my grandma laid squeezing my hand and faintly humming to my singing, I was reminded of all the ways in which she led a beautiful life. At the funeral service, the priest made a statement that really captures it all. He said that even though her dementia caused her to not recognize or remember most people, my grandma didn't need to know who they were because she knew that she loved them. That's really all that mattered.

How many people do you know who by their nature simply know that they love all people regardless or personal qualities or the existence of a developed relationship? How many people do you know who will just smile at a stranger or go out of their way to help a passerby in need without even realizing it? That is how my grandmother lived. That is a life of love.

It seems to me that we live in a world where we have to earn the trust and acceptance of others and are equally cautious in giving it out ourselves. It seems that most people would find it outlandish for you to say definitely that you love someone without really knowing a thing about them or having any relationship to them. We even sometimes feel invaded or even threatened if an unfamiliar face shows us unordinary warmth. We think that surely either there must be something wrong with that person, or he/she has an ulterior motive.

Jesus walked around town befriending prostitutes and criminals, and recruiting murderers for his core team. What in the world must people have thought of him? What would you have thought?

If we boldly proclaim (as many Christians do) that we want more than anything to follow his ways and be his hands and feet, why do we often reserve our love and service for a small group? Why do we get apprehensive about associating ourselves with the "less acceptable" of society? Do we think that not everyone is deserving, or perhaps fear the rejection of those around us? Maybe our love has limits after all.

In some ways my grandmother's dementia revealed her true nature. How beautiful is it to think that her natural instinct was to actively love. Her love had no exceptions or limits. Her love was like Jesus'. Regardless of her ability to recognize me in the final days, my grandmother never stopped loving me. This made me realize that even though I don't have dementia, I shouldn't need to know someone or about some "qualifying factor" for me to love them. I want to live love the way she did. No limits. No hesitation. No questions. All I need to know is that I love, and that's more than enough.

“Hello. My name is Amy. What do you do?”

The other day I was walking down the street on my 10 minute break from work when I ran into a group of acquaintances I hadn’t seen since graduation. We got to talking and mere seconds had passed when one girl smugly said, “I’ve been up in Matthattan. What are you doing now?” With my brief and simple answer of, “Just working at Starbucks for the moment,” a sudden wave of exposure and inferiority came over. My acquaintance’s look said it all: “Well she really went down hill. I thought she might be somebody.” Walking away I felt frustrated, confused, and, frankly, angry. How could it be that in one simple exchange I could suddenly doubt my worth and who I am? Where did that doubt come from? Think about it. How would you have felt?

Thankfully, one thing that God has really been teaching me is that we are not what we do. Unfortunately, though, this is completely contradictory to everything the world around us says. When you meet somebody, what do you say? “Hello. I’m (your name here). What do you do?” Am I right? As normal and expected as this is, it is absolutely ridiculous. Think about it—asking somebody what they do upon meeting them somehow implies that what we do defines who we are. Therefore, unless we have a shining career, are a sports star, or are at the top of our class, it is easy to feel mediocre at best. This has been a tough lesson for me to learn, because I have lived most of my life finding my worth and defining myself through such accolades. What defines you? School, a career, a certain talent, your appearance, your family role, good deeds, or maybe even your failures? Do you ever feel like you’ll always be lacking something? Believe me when I say that I have been there.

Although all of these things (school, family role, good deeds, career, talents, etc) are important to who we are, they do not define us. Here comes the real truth: In Genesis 1:27, the Word says that we were perfectly created in God’s image. His own image. Even if you have heard this before, have you ever really thought of what that means? Have you even considered that if God perfectly made you in his image, that means that we are his children and don’t need to prove ourselves as anything else to be absolutely invaluable and precious? Certainly we can feel good about certain aspects of our personality or our lives, but our worth is in our very creation. In the very act, we are already 100% approved of, 100% accepted, and 100% loved. It is that simple. All we need to do is receive the approval, acceptance and love that are inseparable from our creation. There is nothing left to prove. So the next time that you find yourself comparing, doubting, or feeling like you are inadequate or not good enough, stop and evaluate what kind of truth you are living under. The kind that tells you that you are what you do and must always be in a struggle to become something bigger or better? Or the kind of truth that says that God is a perfect and wonderful God, whose words are perfect and wonderful, and that you are therefore a wonderfully perfect creation struggling in an imperfect world?

You are already loved. You are already beautiful. You already have more worth than you could ever wrap your mind around. Are you ready to receive and believe it?

Beautiful confusion. What a concept. You are probably wondering what the heck I mean by it or why it somehow is going to define what I write here. For me the answer is simple. That is life. My life. And I’m discovering more and more about it each day.

I have been feeling especially confused lately. You could best describe this period in my life as awkward. I have suddenly gone from a situation of constant activity, living and working with people who are passionate about the same things I am and are at the same point in life, to finding myself at my parents’ house. Period. My lifestyle is in crisis. To make the situation more awkward, I am trying to somehow figure out a “10 month life” for myself as I plan on attending grad school in March. Two steps off the plane and I was hit with the confusion about where to go, what to do, where home was. As much as this time can be painful and scary, I love it because there is absolutely no chance I can deny the fact that my life is confusing. In that, I have learned a lot.

It might sound strange to you that I say that I love the fact of such uncertainty and confusion in my life. I love it because I truly know that there is nothing I can do or plan to “figure it out.” You see, I think we often live our lives making plans, building our security and fall-backs, and “figuring it out.” As someone who has natural capabilities to get by pretty well, it’s easy for me to think that I actually do have control. In times like these, I realize that I actually can’t “figure it out.” Not now. Not in the past. Not ever. Sound depressing? I’m OVERJOYED!

In realization of my weakness, I have discovered God’s power and provision. I have discovered that God not only accepts that I haven’t figured out my life, but actually prefers that I don’t try. I know that this is SO hard to believe in a culture and world that tells us that we need to forge our own futures and write our paths. God tells us that HE is our future and that if we remain in him he takes on the burden of paving our paths one step at a time in harmony with his perfect will. The pressure is off. The burden is lifted. We can live in peace and find real rest.
I’ll leave you with something I read in Ecclesiastes today that really speaks to this:

Since no man knows the future, who can tell him what is to come? No man has power over the wind to contain it; so no one has power over the day of his death. Ecclesiastes 8:7-8
So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life god has given him under the sun. Ecclesiastes 8:15

We don’t, won’t, and can’t know our futures…stop wearing yourself out trying to figure it out! Instead, find rest that God does know and is sovereign over all. Instead, enjoy what He puts in front of you everyday and cling to His promise to give you life to the fullest. God is good. Life is sweet. Confusion is beautiful.